Ashlie's adventures

...Really?

2011-08-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

You gotta always love those moments in life where you just have to go "... really?"

You know...the moments where someone does or says something that makes you look around to check and make sure that 1. everyone just saw/heard the same thing you just did and 2. that they're having a hard time believing it as well...

There's also the ones that aren't as mind blowing but that are just...annoying. irritating. Unnecessary.

I'd like to share some of my recent "...really?" moments :

1. This is a pretty common one but it bothers me more than is warranted:
Someone sends an fyi email at work- an update on a situation or whatever. and two or three people feel the need to hit "reply all" and say " thanks!" or "got it" or whatever. Seriously?? the whole office does not need to thirty emails a day that say one or two words and that have nothing to with them. My personal favorite is when it goes on even longer than that. Example. A co-worker emailed a bunch of us asking for someone to cover something for her. Someone hit reply all to say they'd do it (that's understandable because now we all know it's covered.) But then we all got 4 or 5 more "reply all" emails as they worked out the details. ...really?

2. So that one is kind of dumb but here's one that's far more serious.
As many of you know I work for a domestic violence and sexual assault agency called Voices Against Violence. I'm specifically their rape crisis counselor but most of our clients primarily identify with domestic violence over sexual assault so I do both. This week I took a client to court. She has a baby with her perpetrator and she'd had a year long restraining order against him for herself, but not their daughter who he was still allowed to have visits with. However recently there'd been a lot of evidence that he was being abusive to their daughter as well ( who, by the way, is officially the fattest, cutest, little ball of baby pudge I've ever seen in my life. 22 months old and has to weigh like half of what I do.) So we were going to court to hopefully revise the visitation so that his visits had to be supervised. This whole event led to several "...really?' moments.

First of all, both the father and the court were being ridiculously difficult. First there had been an entirely different court date that he claimed to know nothing about ( despite the fact that she'd told him several times). The court then decided that since they didn't have an address for him and he refused to give one that it was HER job to serve him the papers to appear. That's right. This little 18 year old girl, who had a year long restraining order on this guy that expired 1 week ago is supposed to SERVE this guy papers stating that she's claiming he's abusing their daughter and she's taking him to court. Oh, and they suggest that she do this when she's meeting him to give him her daughter for a visit. So get him good and mad JUST as he's taking your 22 month old daughter. ...really?

So the poor thing is brave enough to serve him. We get to court. and the woman we have to register with says that it has to have a sheriff's signature saying he was served ( ...but a sheriff didn't serve him...). When I pushed it, she says that if he's willing to sign it stating he received the papers, and IF he has ID and IF she can find a notary we can go forward. But, she says, if he wants to claim he was never served he can do that. So she basically GIVES him the idea to lie. .......really?

Now this punk kid is STANDING there....AT his court date. Meaning he knew when and where to come. And not only that, he's HOLDING the copy of the papers in his hands. Where else would he have gotten them? As soon as this woman says he can claim he never got them, he puts the papers behind his back ( if they can't see them, they're not there....) and says " She never gave it to me" ........really?

So I say " she never gave you what?" and the kid (as I was hoping he'd be dense enough to do) pulls the papers out from behind his back and says "the papers. She never gave them to me." .......really?

SoI ask him where he got them then and he gets all flustered and I just have the kid on the ropes when the stupid registry woman says "well he still doesn't have to sign it if he doesn't want to." ...are yous till talking??? So I give him my teacher/mom look...the classic "you-will-do-what-I-say-or-something-unspeakable-will-befall-you" look and say " are you seriously going to drag this process out longer? Sign the paper. Or we'll all just have to come back yet again because we're not dropping this." So he shows TWO forms of ID...to a friggin' notary...and reads this like..three lined document over for about 30 minutes he finally signs it and we're allowed to proceed. ...really?

Believe it or not...it gets better...

So because they were trying to settle it without appearing before a judge they met with a probation officer first. Since the restraining order is no longer in effect I wasn't allowed to go in with her. But she comes out and tells me that the father took the opportunity to ask to be awarded 10 more hours of visitation per week. Not only was this not the forum for that, but we'd all DRAGGED ourselves down there in the first place to determine if he was even going to be ALLOWED to see his daughter without supervision. And he decides that NOW would be a good time to ask for more visit hours........really?

3. A lighter one: A couple of months ago my boyfriend and I went out to dinner. As we were waiting to be seated a man came out who had just finished eating and was leaving. As he passed the hostess station, without slowing down or missing a beat, he sticks his whole, rather large, hand into the dish of after-dinner mints, and pulls out such a large handful that he has to use both of his hands to contain it, and then continues to walk out without so much as batting an eyelash. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I mean...really?

4. People who use the break down lane as their own personal fast lane during rush hour. ...really?

5. An honest to goodness line from a resume (and no I didn't get this from a website or something) " I have been passionately thinking about volunteering for the last 10 years." ....really?

6. So. y'all know about my cat, Max. Because I seem to believe that he is actually my child, and in order to keep him very healthy and me free of huge vet bills, I buy him rather expensive cat food. If you buy it in the super large bags it's not that much more expensive and keeps him healthy. I used to feed him "Science Diet", but then once after he spent some time with my parents whose cats eat an even slightly more expensive and healthy brand called "Blue", my mom mentioned that he had really liked it and I might want to consider switching him to that. Well, boy was she not kidding. I purchased a huge 15 lb bag of it but was continuing to feed him the science diet until I ran out. Without any front claws, so all with his teeth, that punk ripped around the entire circumference of the bag to get to the blue food. and I didn't realize it until i went to pick it up one day and this 35 dollar bag of food went EVERYWHERE...really Max?

Since then he's been on the Blue and I'd tried to keep the bag out of his line of vision and we'd had no further problems. Until recently. One day I apparently didn't leave him enough food and he ran out before I got home ( before you feel sorry for him, please realize that he's a little piggy and already eats way too much.) He found the bag of food and started to rip it open again. So I put it up on a shelf , put a bag around it, and put a towel over it. In the middle of the night I heard him getting into it again, so I re wrapped it all up, and wrapped the entire bag with three blankets. Wrapped- not just laid the blankets over, but wrapped all the way around so the weight of the bag was holding the blankets in place. I woke up to find that he had somehow managed the get it unwrapped from three blankets, had bitten through the bag and had chewed a huge gaping hole in bag of food as well. Now only if I could get him doing all this on tape I could sell it to "Blue" and it could be a commerical showing what a cat will do to get their food...

Oh. And by the way...his bowl of food? Totally full.

...really?

The Parable of the bed sheets

2011-02-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

So I'm about to admit something that I probably shouldn’t tell ANYONE....but we all know by now that I'm an idiot, so really....I might as well continue in my self-incrimination....

I had a full sized mattress/bed. And then (long story) I ended up with a queen sized. For free, no less. That's my kind of deal.

Now...here's the thing I shouldn't admit....for SOME reason, I had it in my head that full and queen sized sheets were the same. Yeah. I know. I have no idea why I thought that made sense. I still swear I've seen on some kind of packaging the words "Full/Queen" and I thought it had been on sheets. I figured that they were pretty close, and that on full sized mattresses they were a little loose, and then on queen sized they were tighter....or something. Truly, my logic didn't go very far. Clearly, I hadn't thought it through.

So. I set up my new bed, completely on my own by the way. (that's right, I moved a full sized box spring and mattress out of my room, and moved a queen sized box spring and mattress into my room all by myself. Leave your messages about stubbornness and stupidity at the tone..... *beeeeeeeep*)

Believe it or not, that was the EASY part. I then proceeded to try and put my full sized sheets....on my queen sized bed. In retrospect, I REALLY REALLY wish that I had a video of it. I think that was the best work out I'd had in A WHILE.... For some reason, it took quite some time to sink in. I kept thinking that I had the sheet placed wrong, and would turn it 90 degrees in the hopes that I had just done it wrong....but (obviously) to no avail. Now most people at that point would have admitted defeat and realized that they needed to get different sized sheet. But I am not most people. I am Ashlie Stitt. I live to make a complete fool of myself.

I'm sure those of you with active imaginations can picture me flying all over my room...hitting the wall...falling off the bed....etc. I don't need to report that this did NOT end well. Again, a You-tube video of this event would've been a BIG hit. I wound up lying on my sheet-less bed, sweaty, out of breath and utterly defeated.

Then, and only then, did I call my mom and say "hey....are full and queen sized sheets NOT the same thing???"

Now that I probably have you laughing hysterically at my expense, allow me the metaphoric moment:
This made me thing about all the times in my life that I really thought I knew what I was talking about, or I really thought I knew what was best. I would be so intent to make something work- just so incredibly sure that I could make something I wanted, happen. I just had to want it bad enough. And be willing to get a little sweaty...and bruised...

And all the time Heavenly Father was watching me try to force a full size sheet onto a queen sized bed, shaking his head, thinking, " Good grief, Miss Ashlie, when will you learn??"

I'd also like to point out that, other than making me stupid, thinking that the full and queen sized sheets were the same thing was actually NOT the problem. The problem was that I waited until I'd declared war on my mattress to actually call and ask the simple, and at that point, already answered question. Yes, I'd still look like an idiot, but at least I wouldn't be an idiot covered in sweat.

It was a great reminder to myself to not force things. And to be willing to concede that I might now know what is best. I should just let it ride and have some trust. And buy some queen sized sheets. :)

ooookay....

2011-02-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Okay wow.

So I have started a bunch of blog entries...and not QUITE finished them....and it's just stupid. So I'm about to post a couple in a row.

The first one- " In the service of love" was written in October

the second one-"the parable of the bed sheets"- was written in November.

and there will be another coming soon... :)

In the service of love

2010-10-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

"How's school going?"

That's a pretty standard question for anyone to ask. If someone knows enough to know that you're a student, that's one of the most commonly asked, if not the most commonly asked, default questions.

And why not? It's a good question. However, it's also one of those queries where, more often than not, the asker doesn't REALLY want a complicated answer. I mean, in fairness, I ask questions all the time that I really don't care for a detailed answer. "How are you?" If the cashier at the check out line started giving me a long winded answer, going into specifics about their work life, personal life, health, mood, etc....I'd probably be a. shocked, and b. likely to try and extract myself at the earliest opportunity. I mean, if they want to say more than "fine", I'm cool with that, but I'm not going to pull up a chair.

But I digress. (shocking)

Although it is meant as a simple and safe question....in my case you probably couldn't ask a more complicated question...

Many of you know that I am currently in my first semester in the Mental Health Counseling and Behavioral Medicine Program at the Boston Medical Center. This is a unique program in that it is housed in a medical school, and offers a scientific, neuro-psychology approach, and is more clinical that some other programs. It's a great program and I 1. love it and 2. am still waiting for them to tell me my acceptance letter was a mistake....

So how IS school? Well, as previously stated, I love it. At the same time? It can be a little rough. It's busy, and the course work can be a little challenging, etc but that's really not why. It's a program where you are encountering and facing things about the world that you don't like; where you are learning about yourself and you biases. You are re-evaluating the way you look at the world, what your opinions are, how you feel about people, social issues, etc. In many ways, you're basically getting to know yourself in an entirely new context.

Believe it or not...this can be a little emotionally taxing. You are consistently aware of your own shortcomings, the depravity of some, the indifference of others, the misconceptions and ignorance of many. In many ways I am very aware that I am just one, small, tiny little girl in a large world full of intense problems. It can start to feel very lonely and your work very futile. In addition to be only one...you start to become acutely aware that YOU are screwed up. I have my own issues. I am entirely imperfect. What on earth can I possibly offer or do? are you kidding?? I'm just lucky I got up and dressed in matching clothes that aren't on backwards this morning....

So for example. Today we watched a video on trauma. The stories these people told brought me to tears. I am...constantly amazed by how people hurt each other, and with what little regard they attend to some one's emotional well being. These people had gone through things I had never even considered as possible. Their authenticity and open demeanor broke my heart. As I sat in my class, unsuccessfully trying to hide my emotion, I had those feelings of "what on earth am I doing??" And then suddenly, one of the men in the video who had started working with other victims, offered some eloquent insight. He said, " In the service of love, only broken hearts will do."

At the moment I realized...the fact that I have been hurt in my life, the fact that I am often an utter screw-up...my very humanity is what will make me GREAT at what I do! When you are serving others in love, your heart has to be broken. You have to be REAL and genuine. You have to be a person- flawed, and ever-failing.

So school? It's breaking my heart. And I love it. :)

Game of Life

2010-08-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I've written, which is ironic, considering all the fun new things going on in my life as of late. There have been many times that I have thought to write about an event or incident, but was so busy I never got to it, and then moved on to wanting to write about something else.

Therefore the next few entries will probably be a smattering of random thoughts and events that I have had since I started school again. But before I get into that, I want to share a story of something that happened right before I started my new program. An event that, I believe, was both symbolic as well as indicative of not only my past, but of things to come.

It started with a board game.

Yes. A board game. The board came called Life. You remember that one, right? You start off as a tiny pink or blue peg in a little car, you spin the wheel, and hope to end up at "millionaire acres". You can make choices about college, career etc but truth be told, most of the game is left up to chance and the spin of the wheel and/or draw of the cards. There are stops to get married, places you land to have children, and buy a house, etc. You can land on drawing "life tiles" which you keep face down. When you turn them over, there are various accomplishments on the back and an accompanying dollar amount. They range from things like the winning the Nobel Prize, to reading to your child. At the end of the game you get to turn them over and see all the many cool things you accomplished in your life, and collect the associated dollar amounts.

This past August I had gone home to my parent's house and we decided to play said game together. It turns out...that I am a disaster at Life. ( please avoid taking the easy shot. I'm about to say it for you anyways...) I kept landing on things that made me lose my turn like flat tires and car accidents ( how ironic....) and I was spinning more ones and twos than were statistically conceivable. By the time I finished school, both of my parents were easily half way through the game, and when I finally got to the "Get married" square, my parents were 3/4 of the way to the end. ( Again. Resist. Don't worry. It's comin'.) I lost my job twice, lived in the cheapest house that I could get, and had to take about a billion turns to finish off the game once my parents reached the end. I thought for sure I was in dead last place for the game.

However, when we finally added everything up, I had actually won the game. And not just by little...I had slaughtered them both. I was completely shocked. It might sounds stupid and corny, but I immediately thought of several analogies to the real game of life ( at least...MY game of life....)

Yes. Sometimes I am a disaster at REAL life, too. Did I say sometimes?...I meant...something else... like kinda always. ( phew. said it. you can now exhale.) Sometimes I feel like a total "mess in a dress". And I'm sure that that viewpoint is shared by many. I am STILL in school. I'm getting a SECOND masters. In order to accommodate an internship and an honors program, undergrad took me five years. ( Ironically, I did everything for the honors program except the final thesis...so it only made my coursework take longer because I had to do things like take an advanced math AND an advanced language...AND I voluntarily sold my soul to the HFAC by singing for BYU choir which was one credit but took the time of 5 or 6....) I have been engaged ( and not only once...but a little bit twice...) and I am still not married. To this point I've had very few good relationships, and no good relationships that lasted any considerable length of time... ( anyone getting depressed yet besides me? )

I metaphorically "stumble and fall" a lot. But my reaction when I was such a mess at the game was important...

I laughed.

I mean, come on...it's funny!! Of course there was a little pinch of "ouch. this is hitting a little too close to home..." and then I decided to shrug it off and to laugh. That decision was CRUCIAL to me enjoying the game- just like life. ( as in real life.) Now, I'm not going to pretend that throughout all the disasters of my life that I have always been able to laugh at my situation, but I think that my sense of humor helped me more than I can express, and that a general positive and optimistic attitude is vital to being happy. I might be a disaster...but at least I'm a disaster with a smile on my face who is laughing at herself. ( ALMOST as hard as everyone else....)

I also found it ironic that I was doing a lot better than I thought I was. This was partially due to the life tiles, but I think I also was being hard on myself and only recognizing when something bad happened, and only noticing the good things my parents were "doing".

Why are we so hard on ourselves? When I'm being honest I have to admit that I focus primarily on all the wonderful things that other people do- their talents, their accomplishments, their strengths, and then look at everything that I do wrong. I think that is in part because I don't KNOW what they do wrong, because I'm not always with them whereas I can't get rid of myself, but I also think that bottom line I'm hard on myself. I think we're ALL way too hard on ourselves. And at the end of the day...we're doing better than we think we are.

Also, I think there's something to be said for the fact that you don't get to see what you accomplished until the end of the game. I believe strongly that we are unaware of much of the good that we do, or at least the degree to which it impacts those around us, and that at the end of our life we will be blown away by all the good we accomplished and those we helped.

So yes. In many very real ways I am a total screw up. But overall? I think I'm winning :)

My unpopular decision

2010-08-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Alright, this might take some background:

It's not a secret that I was engaged until this past February.

And yes. I am still very much okay with that. Beyond okay, really. What was ironic was that everyone's concern for me started when I was coming out of the woods instead of during the year and a half PREVIOUS to the break up. It took me about two weeks, of what I will admit was crazy insane emotional pain. And then, what felt like almost instantly, my blinders came off and I became incredibly grateful for things turning out the way they should. I have been very, very happy ever since. But I digress.

What might be less known is that I started dating someone pretty quickly after my engagement break- a guy in my Boston ward named Mark Bean. We had a great relationship. Mark treated me incredibly well, we communicated very effectively, and we were great friends in addition to dating. We split amicably and with absolutely no drama because he was moving away for two years, and I had gotten into my program that will be keeping me here for at least two years. Our relationship was exactly what I needed to help heal, process, and to have a good taste in my mouth concerning relationships in general. I am so grateful tor the interaction and time we were afforded, and for the chance I had to get to know Mark as a person.

Then came: My unpopular decision.

I decided that for the summer I would not date. I mean, not that I wouldn't go on a date, but barring a piano falling on my head, I refused to get into anything even remotely resembling a relationship. At least for the summer. And even then...we'll see. Like...we'll take the summer and then it'll be up for review.

This decision elicited quite a reaction. Some were just extremely surprised while others considered it quite an irrational, rather irresponsible and/or self destructive choice. Others thought it just plain stupid. After all, I'm not getting any younger, and why would I take myself out of the running for a relationship when I'm sooo clearly running out of time....( don't get me started).

On a slightly more serious note, not only am I not 19, but I love being in a relationship. I am really intensely loyal, fiercely monogamous, and I get a sick amount of pleasure out of doing things for a boyfriend or whomever. Meaningful personal relationships, romantic or otherwise, are where I get my joy and where I find purpose. Most people that know me well know that about me- that I love relationships in every form. I don't want fifty thousand acquaintances- I seek to build relationships. This is why, I think, a lot of people were surprised by this decision. While it doesn't seem like a huge deal, it did feel like an odd thing to do. Moving the opposite direction on the spectrum, almost growing younger is not something I generally would want, or consider it smart, or even natural, to do.

So I thought the reasons for disapproval for my choice, varied from...well...to put it bluntly, asinine and kind of insulting, to understandable. And I got it. I mean, it made sense, knowing me. But I felt strongly that this was the best decision for me at that time. So, I ignored everyone. Shocking, I know. (As a side note- believe it or not, I DO listen. And legitimately consider. I simply reserve the right to utterly ignore.)

But moving on: This decision? Best decision of my life. I absolutely needed this time. I feel it was incredibly vital for me to reestablish my independence.I realized after a few weeks that I truly felt SINGLE. The reason I could tell? It was a BRAND new feeling! I suddenly became aware that I had not been, what I would consider truly single in a long time- arguably since I REALLY started dating. For the last six or seven years of my life, I honestly feel like I have 1. Been in a relationship 2. Been getting out of a relationship 3. Been "complicated" with someone 4. Been getting into a relationship 5. Majorly hung up on someone and therefore unable to really feel like I was "free" or 6. Any numerous combination of the above. I was tired. And I needed a break. It was an amazing feeling to feel obligated to NO ONE.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for knowing me better than I know myself- to know exactly what I need, and for guiding my life and decisions. It is times such as this that I realize how much I trust Him. The experiences I've had and the people I've been blessed to know could only have been so perfectly crafted by a loving Father in Heaven.

So. I'm single. And lovin' it.

This does not mean I'm going to become addicted to being single. All it means is that I'm really enjoyin' it. So if something or someone is going to drag me away? It's going to have to be good. Dang good :) :):)

Morality and Compassion- they are NOT opposing ideas!!!

2010-03-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Look out. I'm feeling pretty feisty today.....

So I've been having several interesting conversations with people as of late, that had a common theme: The notion that I, as a religious person, have fairly cut and dry ideas and beliefs of what is right and what is wrong- of what will make people happy vs what is simply instant gratification. Many people seem to equate this personality type as someone who is judgmental- who has no room for others in their life who do not live by the same set of "moral rules", and who view themselves as near perfect and are therefore, intrinsically hypocritical.

Although I do believe that this description is true of some religious and/or conservative people, I feel like it is equally as true of those who are not. So many are screaming for tolerance so loudly that they are completely ignoring their OWN intolerance. Why is it not my right to believe as I do? Where is your tolerance of me, and my beliefs? And for heavens sake, calm down and stop screaming because THAT is oppressive...

Ironically, although I have many, many things in my life that I am not proud of, that I know I need to work on, and that I am woefully inadequate at, I would have to say that compassion is one of my greatest strengths. Morality and rigid personal rules are not a necessary precursor to judgment. You can judge an action without judging a person. As I have gotten older, I have NOT become more liberal in my view of what is fundamentally right and wrong, but I'm more broad minded with how I view those who try and fail, for those who see things differently, etc.

Examples: Infidelity? Wrong. Stealing? Wrong. Sexual promiscuity? Wrong.

However, I don't think that given the right set of circumstances that I would be above those things. I would hope I'd have the strength to say no, but I'm not assuming that I would. I don't understand everyone's circumstances. I don't know their thoughts, feelings, hearts, emotions, etc. It doesn't make their actions right, it means that I might do the exact same thing if I were them because I'm a weak human, too. I know that there are good, sweet, amazing people that have done things that are very wrong. I have done many things that are just plain wrong. that doesn't negate who they are or I am as a human being. It is our humanity that gives us this weaknesses, as well as the inner moral courage to overcome them, and the compassion towards other to display forgiveness and mercy. Therefore morality and compassion are not mutually exclusive characteristics in me or anyone else.

Also, as a fun little...feminism side note: Also in these conversations, the topic of "typical male behavior" came up and what you would just have to let go because "men are men". I'm sorry...but I don't accept that. Biologically programmed or not, men are completely capable of controlling themselves. We overcome a good percentage of what our "biological" impulses. Is it NORMAL for a 2 year old to throw a tantrum? Well...yeah...but they are supposed to mature and not do that eventually. Is it normal to WANT to key someone's car when they screw you over? Yeah...but you don't do it. If you're hungry and someone's eating...do you want to steal their sandwich when they're not looking? Yeah...but you don't do it, because that would be immature, selfish and wrong. What makes us humans, not animals, is our self control. Men have that ability, too. Expect it from them. They're up to the challenge, I promise.

Also....on the other side of that...I am getting a little sick of men talking about how manipulative women are; the complaints that women are so incredibly irrational, and that all that is possibly wrong with this world is that women are just too darn emotional and have ruined everything. I do agree that women can be a big, fat, pain, and I don't exclude myself from that. In fact, in general, I prefer being with men over women. However...I do just want to quote...a favorite TV show in closing because it's pretty much exactly how I feel:

"I love men!... But you cannot ignore history. History has shown that, in general, it has been the men who have done the raping and the robbing and war mongering for the past 2000 years. It has been the men who have done the pillaging and the beheading and the subjugating of whole races into slavery. It has been the men who have done the law making, and the money making, and most of the mischief making. So, if the world isn't quite what you had in mind, then you have only yourselves to thank."

Single....again...and it's OK!!!!

2010-02-22T18:03:00.000-08:00

Single again...

Consider this a public service announcement: Ashlie Elizabeth Stitt and Reed Parkinson have called off their wedding. Yes. I am single. And more importantly...yes! I am okay!!

Okay...let me back up a bit...

For those of you who were unaware, I have been involved with a man named Reed Parkinson for about a year and a half. We have been "informally engaged" to one degree or another for...many months...and made it official- ring and all this past December. A few days ago, Reed and I made a mutual and joint decision that we would no longer be getting married.

soo...what happened??

That is an excellent question. The best that I can tell you is this: It just wasn't right. We love each other very, very much....we have a ton of respect for each other...it just wasn't quite right. We could really easily try and bring it down to all ONE, CRUCIAL, flaw, move, characteristic, event....etc...but the bottom line is, this isn't a fable or a cautionary tale- there is no simple answer. Something was missing, and we could both feel it. It broke both of our hearts, but we're very confident that we did the right thing.

As soon as we broke up, it was like this HUGE wall came crashing down. We could talk again. We could communicate and be there for each other in a way we hadn't been able to for a long time. I found myself thinking...."I remember this!!! This was awesome!!!" While it seems a cruel irony that we break up and then our relationship gets great, it was a great affirmation that we had done the right thing. We spend the next few days spending almost every moment together, working things out, etc. There was no desperate attempt to say EVERYTHING you have to say RIGHT NOW...because...we're still talking.

My best friend:

Reed and I are now BEST friends. Odd? Maybe. Can we always talk as much as we currently are or be as involved as we are now? No. We can't. But for now, this works. We're close. And that feels sooo right.

So...who do we blame and who do we hate?

As tempting as it seems to be for us as humans to blame someone or be mad at someone, while I appreciate the notion of solidarity, there is no one to blame and there is no one to hate. In fact, someone hating Reed at this point would really hurt me. So as appreciated as the immediate comment "eeewww!! what a jerk!!!" before even hearing what happened is.....it's not necessary. Both of us said and did things we are not proud of. Both of us did our best. We tried really hard. We reacted, we made mistakes, we fought feelings that it wasn't right..and...it just didn't work out. It's all water under the bridge. Let's all move on.

Thank you

So I'm single again. That thought is...to be honest...a little discouraging, but the confidence that I did the right thing helps a lot. There is something better in store for me and for Reed. We will both find something else that makes us so happy. Our Father in Heaven knows best, and we're willing to trust him. The support that I've gotten from so many already has been so wonderful. I greatly appreciate the love, the support, and the encouraging words I have received from so many of you. Thank you for your love. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends, family, and loved ones.

The Max factor!!

2009-10-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

I did it!!! I gound a legal, above board way to get a kitten!

So one bright, crisp morning I was getting ready for class. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I was humming my favorite hymn. I went to go get my clothes from my closet to get dressed for the day (my closet is actually just outside my bedroom) and as I open my bedroom door to access my closet….I see a little furry rodent, namely a mouse, scurry in before me. I let out the most obnoxiously girl-ish, high pitched scream- possibly the most annoying sound I’ve ever made, and refused to go anywhere near my closet. That’s right. A mouse commandeered my closet. I told him that if I came home and he’d been sewing me a gown for the ball, all would be forgiven.

That’s not what he was doing.

We’d been having mice problems before that, and they kept getting worse the colder it got. So finally our land lord agreed that the best possible solution was a little furry, purry mouse hunter.
Enter: Max!
I adopted Max, whose original name was Cookie from the MSPCA ( Massachusetts SPCA) . He was 14 weeks when I adopted him back on Sept 28, making him almost 17 weeks now. So a little over 4 months. In the nearly four weeks that I’ve owned him he’s gotten SOOO big!!! But he’s still a little baby. When I took him home and saw him next to a real grown up cat he suddenly looked TINY!!!

Little Max is a little purr box!!! He purrs ALLLLL the time and VERY VERY loudly!!!! For the first few weeks he’s been SUPER mellow. Playful, but pretty chill most of the time. He loves the car and rides in it for hours and hours just lying on the seat and not bugging anyone. The last week he’s gotten rather naughty. I come home from school everyday to find everything I own knocked on the floor. His new favorite game has been throwing his litter EVERYWHERE. It’s…..cute….

Max has big floppy paws that are too big for his body. He has a white chest and all white paws. He likes to sit very tall and proud and errect- he looks very proper and like a little gentleman in a tuxedo and white gloves.

He’s super playful, and loves to hide behind things and jump out and attack your leg when you walk by. He loves to smell my mouth and sticks his whole little tiny head inside my mouth. His head’s getting to big to do that now, but he still tries. He also puts his paws all over my face when I’m holding him facing me.

He can jump SUPER high, particularly if he’s on my bed. He’s a cuddler, and really likes to kick me off my pillow at night.

NOTHING scares him. Doors slamming, balloons popping when he’s playing with them, loud noise...the little punk is totally FEARLESS!!!

He’s also totally intrigued by the kitten in the mirror. He likes to check behind the mirror to see if that’s where the kitten is. Recently I moved my mirror off the ground to sit on my window ledge, and that was REALLY a curve ball- Now the kitten was in the AIR!! Max could only see him when he was on my desk or on my bed! How did that kitten get up there?!!?

Max also loves to attack my big knot of hair- I’ll pull my hair in a big messy bun I’ll be doing homework or watching tv or whatever and suddenly I"ll feel two little paws attacking my bun. He totally declares war on my curls. He’s out for blood. Thank goodness my hair is thick and my bun is pretty big or he’d probably remove my scalp.

Oh…and those mice? He didn’t even have to catch any. Those mice sensed Max, and got the heck out of dodge.I love my little baby Max!!!! Naughty though he may be, I just can’t stay mad at him!!

It's been so long...

2009-09-12T08:01:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone!! I am back! It has been quite some time since I have gone on one of my maniacal rants, so I decided it was definitely time to come back!
Well for those of you not stalking me and in the know, I have moved from Provo, Utah to Boston, Massachusetts! GO SOX!I am actually living in Brighton, MA which is just barely east of down town Boston. I am attending Boston University to get my masters in School and Community Counseling. GO TERRIERS!! This will lead me into any number of different possible careers, and I have not even remotely decided between them, so don't bother asking yet. I know I want to work with teenagers, preferably ones that are labeled high risk in some way. What can I say? Normal is boring. It is a one year "intensive program" ( translation: we absolutely kick your trash for the entire time you're here) where you do your course work and your internship all at the same time. I am interning at English High School- the very first public school in America. Do not be fooled- more than historical it is G-H-E-T-T-O. We're talkin' there is a fairly even split between Latino and black students, and then, as it was phrased to me by one of the permanent school counselors, " And then we have...MAYBE three white kids."
Me: " wait...three percent? or three...total?"
Counselor: " Oh, no. Three total. Three people."
The headmaster is a big, hugely energetic, super positive black guy who took one look at me and said ."....uh oh. you're a little size not so big aren't you? you're not going to faint, or pass out, or cry on me are you?" I assured him I've seen all kinds of fits and had all kinds of kids ALL kinds of mad at me in the past. Bring it. ( He seemed pretty satisfied with that response)
Other than than, I have moved into a HUGE and BEAUTIFUL house. It is seriously giant. One kid that came to a party here last night said, " Wow. It looks like one of the Harvard buildings!" The house is four stories and is divided into two groups with separate entrances, etc. There are five of us on the top two floors, and four girls on the lower two. All the girls in this house and the house next door are all members of my church. I am TOTALLY LOVING my roommates. I get along particularly well with two of them and we are having a ball. There was a HUGE party at my house last night that was ridiculously "off the hook" as my lovely roommate Molly says. Those of you who know me well are probably not surprised that I spent about...1/3 of that time hiding in my roommate Courtney's room...and the entire last 30-45 minutes in my room. In my pajamas. Really just wishing everyone would get the heck out of my house. Yeah, that's right. I'm a party animal.
Well that's where I am, and what I'm up to. Life is good.

However, what would an Ashlie blog be if I did not get up on my soap box about something. So a few things, increasing in their seriousness as they go.
A: Driving in Boston: Insane. The only entity that can survive in this place without getting tragically lost is a GPS system. (that's right. they speak. they have accents. as far as I'm concerned, they're entities) I have now purchased a GPS system. This will save my life...probably literally.
B:Last night I was told that I look like an Osmond. As in the Osmond family. Donny, Marie...etc. I have NEVER gotten that before. This is very curious to me....
C: I am beyond sick of hearing about Michael Jackson. Seriously. Let it go people. There are about 85 million more newsworthy topics. Let it die.
D: Welcome back to higher education in a place where most people are not religious. I have a class that is about the theory and practice of counseling. My teacher is the head of the department, has a PHD and is clearly an EXTREMELY intelligent woman. She is, however, on the younger side, and in the two, three hour sessions of class, she has used the F word...no less than 30 times. This...to me....just seems a bit excessive. I'll grant you...and may heaven strike me dead for saying it..her swearing is usually amusing. It's not like..angry, or offensive because you feel like she's upset or a totally explosive person. It's pretty mellow, entertaining-ESE in nature. But at this point, I just feel it is beyond over the top. And in bad taste.
E: Last and finally. In this same class we were discussing the contextual model of psychotherapy which basically states that it doesn't matter which of the many many models of psychotherapy you choose from which to work so long as you are relatively consistent and that certain common factors are always in practice as they are responsible for the largest percentage of efficacy in therapy. One of these common factors is that you, as the counselor, and your client need to believe in what you're doing and that it will provide some kind of relief from whatever problems the client is experiencing. Our teacher posed to us a question that had once been asked of her.
"If a client came to you and legitimately believed in their heart and soul that they were possessed with some kind of evil spirit, would you feel comfortable prescribing exorcism and sending them to an exorcist?"
This discussion went several directions, one of which made me very uncomfortable. The girl (sitting RIGHT next to me..AWKWARD...) said that no, she wouldn't because she's not a religious person, quite the opposite actually, and went on to give her view that she would not work with a religious person because she couldn't believe that religion would help them, and therefore would be compromising her own set of beliefs and standards to work with them. However, she also CLEARLY expected for it to work the other direction (as in that I as a religious person could not be so close minded as to not with a non religious population.)
This was just infuriating to me on so many levels. First of all, which I brought up, this person coming to therapy believe they are possessed is not necessarily so religious. In fact, it might be because they are NOT so very religious that they are believing that they are possessed. We don't know, we don't have enough specifics, this is a pretty broad question that all of us would probably need to take in a lot of specific situational factors to come up with an answer we were comfortable with. However, even if this person WAS so very religious, I am really sick of the stigma placed on "religious people" that we are so very hard to work with, and so very "boxed in" in our ideas. How completely exclusive and close minded of my classmate to refuse to "compromise her own set of beliefs" to work with someone who believed that religion would help them. I must not force region on my clients, because that's close minded ( which I agree with in the professional world, you shouldn't do that) but it doesn't work both ways. Either you're inclusive in your clientele or you're not.
The other things is that according to when I last checked last on an NBC study, 90% of Americans did not want "In God we trust" removed from being the US motto. Non religious people are not the majority, they are simply making the most noise.
For those of you dying to know: I did say something. Super nicely,and several comments later so it was not directed right at this girl. We still sit next to each other and play nice and all get along just great. ( You basically share every class with these people, so making enemies is not so wise).But still none the less, I made my point. The old Ashlie still lives.

the PG girl interrupted

2009-05-11T00:46:00.001-07:00

I'd like to take the opportunity to make some requests of people in general. These requests are broad, but all have something to do with the concept of dating/relationships/flirting. These have arisen from problems I have had or that close friends of mine have had, or both.

Buckle up:

First of all: Leave single people ALONE.
Recently the fact that I am single has become of increasing interest to...well pretty much EVERYONE around me. I have been the victim of the deep and well intentioned, but severely annoying, concern of others. I am realizing that I am reaching a rather pivotal age. People are starting to see that I am getting older- I am past due in getting married, but not beyond hope yet. I am past due, but not expired. My eggs are still viable.There's still a little time... so they've gotta HURRY!
Recently I sat in complete stunned silence as an office full of men I work with (none of whom would have any personal reason for checking) told me that one of the first things, if not the first thing they noticed about me was that I wasn't wearing a ring AND that as time passed and they got to know me it became a very pressing concern to them- something they needed to fix. That is just disturbing on a number of different levels. On a very basic level...why are you starting at my hands?....
In that conversation(and from many people before and since) some variation of the following question was posed

" How is a pretty thing like you not married?"

While that is probably intended as, and might sound like a compliment, it's really not. It's not only rude, but incredibly awkward when the asker actually WAITS for answer...(as though you'd have one prepared or really have any idea why you're not married....)
First of all, girl you're talking to probably disagrees with the statement of her alleged good looks. She now has NO idea what to say as the already awkward feeling of receiving a compliment she doesn't agree with is now compounded by the fact that she knows she should just say thank you, but is having difficulty doing so because she's kind of insulted. If your object was to stun her into silence and immobility, mission accomplished.
When and if you ask this question you have just, although perhaps unwittingly, very strongly implied that there is something wrong with her. By asking the question in the first place you have ruled out the possibility that it just hasn't been right for her to get married yet or that past relationships have just not worked out through no real fault of her own. I think when everyone is being practical and honest they will admit that there is a lot more to getting married than just being attractive, and even if she is a beautiful girl there could be many reasons (none of which have anything to do with her focus on education, her personality, her "intimidation" factor, or anything else like that) that she is not married yet.However, if you're expecting an answer from her, you're also expecting that she HAS the answer which means it's something identifiable and concrete. You've also just taken something that is REALLY complicated and simplified it down to a " do you like me? check yes or no" kind of level. Getting married is complex because people are complex. If marriage for her should be simple it kind of indirectly implies that she is simple, and that's insulting.(I realize that's not as it's intended and is kind of a stretch, but since when are girls rational?)
I'd also like to point out that while marriage is clearly a wonderful thing and a marvelous goal, the implication that you are somehow bizarre, out of place, that your lack of husband DEFINES you, is the FIRST thing people notice...or is something that is of such a deep and wild concern that everyone around you is going to immediately take it upon themselves to analyze and remedy the situation is kind of degrading. I'd like to think I'm worthwhile and can make a difference in people's lives before I'm married, too. Feeling an incessant need to try and fix this problem by setting your single friends up on countless dates is very counter-productive. People need to work and fix their own problems, if it even is a "problem", which it probably isn't. And even if it is, and they're too career or education driven, too intimidating, too picky (my favorite) or whatever...guess what? odds are, it's NONE of your business.
It's also probably important to mention that some girls are very upset that they aren't married, and don't want you bringing it up and reminding them. This isn't true in my case, but the question in itself represents a level of insensitivity- It's really none of your business and is a really emotional and difficult issue for some. Don't try and touch on something that could be a very real source of pain with someone you barely know. kinda mocks the pain.

Next: Places you do NOT flirt

1. From car to car: I gotta tell you...I am deeply offended by car flirting. You're sitting at a light or you're driving next to each other and some guy honks his horn or, is being visually "flirty" through the window. Seriously? Either run me off the road and get my number or stop. This is a waste of my time, is going a whole lot of no where, makes me feel kind of cheap, and is now growing exponentially in awkwardness because the natural course of Ashlie's life demands that we continue getting stopped at EVERY SINGLE red light together. There's no point. Makes me feel cheap. Don't do it.

2. In the temple. Seriously- don't flirt in the temple. Do not ask for someone's number in the temple. Do not wink at people you do not know in the temple, or make the entire experience awkward by continually watching someone. Pay attention. Find someone to bring to the temple to marry LATER. It's kind of sad that I have to bring this up...but...there's precedence. Let's just leave it at that.

3. In front of clients: for me this is especially true because I’m working with teenaged boys who are already sex maniacs,and your attempts to flirt in front of them is like expressed permission for THEM to try, but this is true anywhere. I don't want to watch people hit on each other instead of bagging my groceries so I can get out of the store and on with me life etc. Depending on your job you might be able to get away with this a little more or less, but...there is a time and a place. Be professional

OTHER THINGS YOU DO NOT DO:
- Make out at the temple, on or off the grounds, in the parking lot or parked nearby. just...don't.
- Make out anywhere, publically. Being sweet is one thing. Instigating violent illness in others is not okay.
- Another one I've actually had people say: the reason I'm good at what I do or that my students listen to me is because my they "think I'm hot". Do not tell ANY teacher that. Those who have made that comment to me have dismmissed any talent, effort, or hard work on my part and made me eye candy. Once again. Cheap. Degrading. Perhaps a more shallow person who puts their entire worth on their looks would be flattered by this statement...but let's hope you're not hanging out with people like that.
- do NOT imply that just because you think a girl is attractive that she must be a heart-breaker. Maybe she is, and maybe it's her fault but maybe she's had her little heart pulverized. Leave her alone.
In general I think this problem arises from people not wanting to just simply say, "I think you're pretty/beautiful/whatever" because that's scary. Instead they have to accompany it with some kind of other statement to make it "less awkward". (ie: I'm going to ask why you’re not married, say you're a heart breaker, tell you that the only reason your students listen to you is because you're pretty. )*insert swoon here. Scary though it may be, if you really think she's pretty and you want her to know, she'll be much more impressed if you just tell her. Which brings me to my next point.
-Be careful with your compliments- keep them simple, keep them sincere. And until you're in a committed relationship, avoid intense extremes. I don't care if she really is the most beautiful thing you've ever laid eyes on...maybe don't mention it in QUITE those words. Also, mentioning something OTHER than her looks will go a LONG way. She wants you to know HER- not her face, and not her body. Again- she'll be much more impressed with a compliment that took more than two seconds to notice about her.

Conclusion: do not cheapen a girl down to it being all about her looks. do not flirt in stupid places, and if you think a girl is pretty, just freakin' tell her. Oh-and leave your single friends ALONE.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, yes. It's Valentine's Day. Oh sweet mercy. The ultimate day of being accutely aware of what an utter disaster your love life is. I thought I would take this opportunity to share a few random thoughts I have about Valentine's Day:

-The frustration of buying a Valentine's Day Card
It is my experience that Valentine's Day Cards come in three categories listed below:
1. The hopelessly in love- this group of cards is clearly for people who are madly, truly, deeply, inexpressibly in love...I want to grow old with or I HAVE grown old with you...I'd die for you, "I love you so much, I want his and her towels, my life meant nothing until you used my toothbrush..." etc. Often times they might make you a little nauseous if you yourself do not find yourself in a similar fairy-tale state.

2. The ridiculously dirty- Unlike the above ones which are nice, just a little sickening if you're not in the mood, this second group of cards is by definition gross and disgusting and base and crass and degrading to men and women...and any other form of higher intelligence for that matter. They usually contain some variation of the following message: Every time I see you I can hardly contain myself from ripping your clothes off. Or...even more repulsive...Every time I see you I DON'T contain myself from ripping all your clothes off. Gross. Nasty. Just in bad taste.

3. The single girl- This one has several sub categories. There's a sub category for the angry, the depressed or hurt, as well as a special category for the "feminist-single-and-lovin'-it" type. All are directed from one single girl to another, all contain some sort of "better off without him" message, and nearly all mention a greater love for chocolate than men.

The problem with all of these cards is that I hardly EVER have a relationship (for which I would be buying a Valentine's Day card) that is appropriate to one of these categories. Perhaps certain of the single girl cards, but to be honest, most of them don't apply. If I'm married for a million years I would never purchase a card from the second category, and the first category...well...check the left hand. Cuz there's nothin' on it.

Why are there no cards for someone you're dating that is...great. wonderful..but not necessarily your soul mate yet....and you're NOT ripping off all their clothes or thinking that when you see them...and they're NOT a single girl? Although this isn't necessarily a present issue for me, it just bugs. It's lame. And I don't like it.

To me Valentine's Day is about love. All forms of love. The first category is great, but not necessarily applicable to all. The second category is not about love at all. Is a physical relationship part of a marriage? Absolutely. But to degrade it to those terms only, and to express them in such a crude way infuriates me. The third..well..sometimes they hit a concept or idea of love, but to be honest, usually totally miss the mark.

"There are as many ways to love as there are moments in time" - Edmund in Mansfield Park, Jane Austen.

I would LOVE to see the greeting card industry cover some of those other forms of love.

On a slightly more positive note, I am a really lucky girl. I have many relationships that are extremely special to me, and are all some form of love. So often people say something like "love conquers all" or "makes the world go 'round" or whatever, but limit it to such a narrow spectrum or facet of love. Love between man and a woman is incredible, yes. However, there are so many other powerful examples of love. In my life, it has not [primarily been the romantic relationships that have turned me world around. At least not yet. But my life has been literally saved by love.

Another note: Those of you who know me well know that one of the things I struggle most with in this life is the transience. I hate that nothing stays the same, that no one is in your life forever, that things can change so quickly that what once meant everything to you can suddenly be gone. On Valentine's Day I love to remember what a favorite author of mine, Louisa May Alcott said:

“If in my present life I love one person truly,
no matter who it is,
I believe that we meet somewhere again,
though where or how I don’t know or care,
for genuine love is immortal.”

~Louisa May Alcott to Maggie Lukens,
February 14, 1884

The best song to ever be written

2008-12-25T16:23:00.000-08:00

There simply is NO song ever written that can possibly compare with the poetic and stirring lyrics to Oh Holy Night. At the close of this Christmas season, I wish to share with all of you my personal testimony of Christ through these lyrics.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men from Orient land.

The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

I would just like to point out a couple of things in here that completely fill my heart with emotion because the have special meaning to me. First of all, the first verse communicates in such a poetic way that when we are in the presence of Christ, whether physically or spiritually, we feel the true worth of our souls. Previous to that we might be sinful " in sin and error pining" because a lack of understanding of who we truly are is what causes us to sin. When we know who we are, when we know and understand and truly feel what we mean to the elder brother who gave His life for us, the desire and need and impulse to sin disappears.
Next, when we are weary, He fills our heart with joy- with HOPE. As I've gotten older I have begun to truly understand the power of that feeling- HOPE. It motivates, it inspires, it what keeps mankind alive and going and saves from emotional death. He is the source of ALL hope, and therefore, the source of ALL life worth living.
He is a KING. We will instantaneously feel that respect and reverence and awe and humble adoration that is intrinsically HIS. We will love Him with our entire heart and soul and being. We will understand what He has done for us. And we will absolutely FALL to our knees.
Juxtaposed to that idea- this KING, this being that we will immediately worship and ADORE...was born to be our friend. Plain, simple. His entire purpose was us. What an incredible indication of what our souls must be worth.
He knows us PERFECTLY and yet loves us perfectly. He knows our weakness because He felt them all in the atonement. He can truly succor us because HE truly, deeply understands all our emotions and pain. He has felt it all and can make us whole, and complete as a result. He really CAN make everything all better if we will let Him.
His law is Love. His gospel is peace. Of all the "powerful" things in this world, He uses love and peace to bring about His great purposes. He breaks all our chains- all things that hold us back, our addiction, our hate, our pride, our weakness, our pain, the things we suffer at the hand of others, EVERYTHING is broken by Him so we may rise to our eternal potential.
Let all that is within us- our WHOLE heart, all of our soul, our entire being PRAISE His Holy name.

Jesus Christ is my Savior, my Redeemer, my best friend. Everything I am, all that is good in my life is because of my very real and very personal relationship with Him. I am eternally grateful to my Father in Heaven for giving me the supernal gift of His son. I can think of no better way to sum up how I fell towards my Savior than to quote one of my favorite Christmas episodes where Jimmy Stewart ( one of the best actors EVER) is talking to Jesus Christ, " I love you. You're my finest, my closest friend and that means...that I can hold my head high wherever I go. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you"
Merry Christmas to all of you. May you find peace and harmony in the coming year. I love you all.

the big deal with the V-J Day Picture

2008-11-11T20:53:00.000-08:00

When you walk into my house the first thing you see is a huge poster with a black and white photo that almost every American is familiar with- the famous V-J Day kiss shot. This photo was taken on 45th and Broadway by Alfred Eisenstaedt, a Life magazine photographer on August 15, 1945- the day that Japan surrendered in World War II. On my rather larger than life poster of this photo in my house is a quote, " A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous" - Ingrid Bergman.
Recently a very close friend of mine shook his head upon entering the house and said something to the effect of "what is every girl's deal with this picture? It's not romantic- it looks like he's eating her face." And as I looked at the picture from a different perspective I found myself asking " What IS my deal with this picture? why do I love it so much?" I know I love it, and I know why...but how do I explain it to someone else? I mean, I'll have to agree with Evan- this girl does not look comfortable. This does not look like some sweet, intimate, private, in-love moment that every girl seems to want...I have to admit that if I were walking down the street and some guy grabbed me, twisted my body into a 90 degree angle, and head-locked my face into place to kiss me, I'd probably slap him or kick him- but assuming I hadn't the presence of mind to do either of these things, I certainly at the very least would be appalled if I later found out that some freak drug rehab teacher has a blown up poster of the event on her wall....
In a recent article a friend sent me, the woman who claims to be the nurse in this picture said that the kiss represented "hope, love, peace, and tomorrow" (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27646511/?GT1=43001) THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the reason I love this picture. It just fills me with exhilaration and patriotism....and...GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! To have been in that city on that day...to have had a WORLD WAR where the nation was devastated...and to know the nation responsible for the atrocity of Pearl Harbor had surrendered...what an amazing feeling of joy, of triumph, of hope and faith in the power of good to overcome evil, of belief in the power of the values this country stands for. It was a day of deliverance. It was a day of peace with th past. It was a day of hope for the future. It was a day where feelings and emotions went unexpressed simply because some things cannot be described in words. And so, in the words of Ingrid Bergman, "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous"
As a side note- I tend to be highly verbal. I talk a lot. I reason through things verbally. And then there are times when things cannot be expressed and unfortunately, I still try, because darn it, I believe in the power of words. Even when words are appropriate, I tend to use too many. More often than not I end up rambling incoherently and incessantly about something or other...and so my advice to you the next time I'm babbling; Kiss me. That ought-a shut me up (c:

Doesn't that scare you?

2008-10-30T09:16:00.001-07:00

Whenever I meet someone for the first time the typical "introduction" conversation inevitably ensues. You know EXACTLY the conversation I'm referring to. "Hi...how are you..where are you from...what's your major...when did you graduate...how many people in your family..." and it's at approximately this point (give or take a mundane inquiry or two) that you realize you can barely hear the voice of your fellow conversant because the screaming inside your head has reached an unheard of decibel and is distracting you by shouting "SWEET MERCY!! If I have to have this SAME conversation with one more person I'm going to be forced to do something drastic!!!". We all know that this introduction is completely necessary and yet, it is so incredibly painful...particularly in the world of young, single people....
But I digress. (gee what a shock) Lame introduction conversations and how much I despise them is not what I came to write about. Invariably this conversation ends up leading to what a person is doing with their life- school, career, etc. At this point take a deep breath, prepare myself, and I explain that I graduated from BYU in History and Secondary Education, specialized in teaching high risk students, taught at an alternative high school and treatment center for my internship, worked as a staff at that treatment center, and now work as a staff and teach for the Journey- a treatment program that deals with juveniles in state custody and specifically work with their all boys long term rehab program. At this point I usually get a "look"- A look that communicates something to the effect of..."so you work with criminals? you work with bad kids?" In fear of offending me or sounding rude what generally comes out of people's mouths is a more tempered version of that idea- something to the effect of, " So do they have records? Have they been in jail?" The answer to that? Yes. These kids have been in and out of DT ( what you and I referred to as "juvy") for years by the time they reach a long term rehab program. They all have records, and their charges vary but are primarily related to drugs. Almost all of them have relatively violent histories, most of them haven't been going to school consistently for years, and not a single one of them wants to be here. To these responses I ALWAYS...100% of the time...Invariably...get some variation of the exact same question:
"DOESN'T THAT SCARE YOU?"
I should add that accompanied by this invariable question there is almost always another "look". But this look is different than the first. It is a head-to-toe summing up of my massive 5'2" frame with an expression of utter disbelief.

I would like to address this question now: Does my chosen career scare me?

The simple answer? No. Absolutely not.
The longer answer: No. Not at all and I'll tell you why:
First of all when you read through the files or hear the stories of these kids' lives there is one thing that becomes very clear: Most of them never had a fair shot. Truly and honestly, if my parents had given me weed from the time I was three years old ( literally) I'd be a drug addict, too. If my father had started sexually prostituting me on the internet at the age of 5, if my mother had dropped me on door steps to abusive relatives because she was too addicted to cocaine to take care of me, if I'd been beaten within an inch of my life by my drug addicted and alcoholic father on daily basis, if I'd been taught that drugs were the answer to all my problems my entire life...I'd be in rehab, too. They're just people. Just kids. They have the same desires, impulses, wants/needs, spirits, etc as everyone else I know. They just have a different history
Second of all: Yes, some of them are violent and yes sometimes they get very angry, and yes I'm about a third of the size of some of them. But you have to understand something: They are angry. They do not enjoy inflicting pain. They're not murderers. They simply lash out at times. There are generally two reasons why a teenage boy would attack another person in the situation they're in. 1. they're feeling incredibly threatened; usually physically; and their fight or flight adrenaline kicks in. No teenage boys feels physically threatened by me. And so actually my size is to my advantage. 2. They want bragging rights. They want to war-story, glorify, use it as an example of how they're tough and nobody should mess with them. Once again, my size here: completely to my advantage. No one is going to want to brag about beating up a little girl. Yes there have been times when I've been around and had to assist or do a physical restraint of a kid. But it's truly rare.
Thirdly, this is a time in my life when I can be completely dedicated to my job. I'm not married, I don't have any kids, and so all my energy can go into them. When I have my own children it wouldn't be a good idea to be around "dangerous" people, or to have my patience being constantly tried by them and have none left for my own kids. But for right now, they can be my life. And as I like doing it, I feel I have a responsibility to do so until my priorities need to be elsewhere
Fourth. I'm stupid and think I'm Supergirl and that nothing will ever happen to me. I hope I'm right. (c:
So no. It doesn't scare me. Let's talk about about how many kids are in my family now. (c:

Which one will you feed?

2008-10-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

First of all, thanks to my mom for pointing out the type-o in my last blog title. All of you who caught it please rest assured that I know how to spell the word ridiculous. Sometimes my fingers are a little faster than my brain....
For this post I want to share something that was read in a student's recent graduation from our Rising Phoenix long term rehab program. It is my experience that when a concept resonates true to me it is almost invariably simple, making it irrefutably profound. This short story was no exception.

Two Wolves: A Cherokee Teaching
An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil--he is fear, anger, greed, envy, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.The other is good--he is happiness, peace, love, hope, sharing, humility, kindness, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and every other person, too." The elderly Cherokee man's grandchildren thought about this for a moment, and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The grandfather simply replied: " The one you feed."

I often fear that I tend to view this battle as something I cannot control, that once I feel fear, guilt, self-pity or dishonesty boiling up inside that I have somehow lost the battle. Conceding defeat is feeding that evil wolf- it is wallowing in that self-pity, stewing in resentment, fueling my fears. Instead, when we are feeling those negative things, why can't we take what we would feed that evil wolf, and instead focus our energy on that good wolf? When we feel afraid, we should turn it into faith. When we are feeling resentment, anger, or envy we should turn to compassion and love.

Ultimately whether we win or lose in this life comes down to which wolf we feed. Which one will I feed? I want to make the simple statement, yet deep and life-long battle of a commitment to feed the good wolf and to starve the evil one. He might never go away in this life, but I can make him weak and ineffectual. Let us all focus on the good, and starve the bad in our lives. It's a much better use of our time.

my ridiculous bias

2008-10-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

Okay confession: I've never had a blog before. In fact, not only have I never had a blog, I've looked at MAYBE two blogs in my entire life. So this is definitely new territory for me. The reason behind my complete dis-interest in blogs is kind of silly, but as I am a silly and kind of ridiculous person, I guess that fits. Here it is: I hate the word blog. It's not a real word. It's ridiculous. And sounds stupid. There. I said it. I meant it. I think maybe it's because it sounds a little too close to the word "blob" or something. I mean honestly, what rocket scientist came up with this word? And why did we all listen to him? What's the root of the word blog, I'd like to know. But I digress, I'm not positive on the source but whatever the reason, the name alone was enough to deter me from having any desire to read the blogs of others, much less any interest in creating my own blog. And before you go all Shakespeare on me, telling me that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, allow me to quote one of my favorite heroines of all time: " Well, I don't know. I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I was never able to believe it. A rose just couldn't smell as sweet if it were a thistle or a skunk cabbage!"
Now although I am, by nature, immovably stubborn, nobody has tried to get me to start a blog, or told me my ridiculous bias was...well...ridiculous..and therefore it was inevitable that over time, I would eventually concede that maybe a blog, although the word sounds unbelievably asinine to me isn't such a bad idea. I can rant and rave and post my ridiculous thoughts and biases all I want- and everyone else can mock and enjoy. It is, after all, one of the great pleasures of my life to provide people with amusement. I have nothing if not incredible entertainment value. (c: